I never knew I was capable of loving someone so wide.
Not until I met him. I loved him so much that the seams of the skies seemed to rip. I had so much grace and patience with him. More than I ever thought I could possess. I let him browse and wander into every room of my heart, and even let him add to it.
And then he broke me. And that’s when I learned that heartbreak is the one thing that shows you the capacity you are able to love someone. It’s the one thing that teaches you your mistakes, and sets the tone when you’re ready to love again.
I wish I could sit here and write about how easy life is, how well my relationships with people are, and that I’m crushing it and cruising through life. But the truth is, none of those things are valid. In fact, I’ve been feeling a little tired and broken lately.
I remember when I used to tell my friends how I wished I didn’t feel so deeply, or care so much about people (or a particular person). I remember I would beg God to take away feelings and emotions and pray that He would avoid the heartbreak stuff. You know — the unrequited loves, the relationships that never happened, the people you invested so much time and energy into hoping things would change with them but they never did. But then I think about it, and it was in those heartbreaks and those moments of hurt and pain and discomfort where I’ve gotten deeper with God. And, on top of that, I’ve gotten some extremely beautiful and relatable conversations out of disappointing situations with people when life just seemed to kick my ass.
You let people into your lives so they can either hem or break you.
Either way, you’ll eventually end up making each other better. This time around, he was all the words I never publicly said. He was all the words that didn’t exist just yet, waiting for definitions to find their way to his name I refused to give him yet.
I used to hold on to people so tightly. Like the world would end if I stopped being friends with someone because of how much we shared in our time as friends. But I think I’m in a different place now, and the thing is (in the most non-harsh way):
I’ve learned how to forget people.
I could let you go tomorrow.
You’d be gone.
And it’ll hurt for a little bit, but I know the sting won’t last forever.
Be grateful when your heart is broken.