Everyone talks about letting go and releasing people…
but no one ever talks about the deep grief that comes with that decision knowing that it’s not what you ever wanted but what was necessary for your entire being. No one talks about how you have to wrestle with yourself every moment of every day so much that you’re too drained to function and all you want to be is in a dimly lit room curled up in the corner in fetal position. I’ve been through my share, but I never knew this kind of pain could even exist. I never knew so many tears could be released. I guess that’s what it feels like when you realize it’s because you loved them with every fiber in your body. I guess that’s what it feels like when you ran miles for them to the point of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion only to find out that you’ve been kept in the dark the entire time.
You don’t want to lose them because they held a special space and saw some of the deepest recesses of your heart. But there comes a point where holding on to someone means letting go of yourself. Sacrificing your heart. Failing to recognize who you are anymore. And when you get to that point, it’s no longer love. It’s toxicity. It’s trauma bonding. It’s codependency. Because when you chain yourself to situations that don’t match what you’re giving and are misaligned with you, then you begin living a life of deprivation.
I’m human. I make mistakes. I’m imperfect. And call it a gift or a curse, but I also have empathy so deep it sometimes takes me on an emotional roller coaster ride. Fortunately, I’ve come to learn that being an empath also comes with high intuition and the blessing in that is that intuition can sometimes play as divine protection. I’ve failed so many times before but the lesson I need to learn is that I need to stop drowning for people who won’t even get in the water for me, that I can no longer accept less than what I deserve just because I don’t want to lose a person. I cannot abandon myself for a temporary connection and hold on to something so tightly that doesn’t demonstrate respect for my value because I fall for the charm and the sweet nothings that come from their lips. I cannot hold on to something longer than I should because I refuse to see things for what they actually are and choose to actively ignore the words that are spoken. I need to stop turning a blind eye to it all because in retrospect, the signs were clear as day.
I don’t think I’ll ever get the chosen closure I need. I still have so many questions. And even if I did get answers to those questions, in my subconscious I would still question their validity. But this is what I do know:
Lack of honesty is closure.
Lack of emotional maturity is closure.
Lack of respect is closure.
Lack of gentleness is closure.
Lack of apology is closure.
Lack of accountability is closure.
The way someone speaks to you in their anger is closure.
The way someone holds your heart is closure.
The way someone acknowledges your hurt is closure.
Sometimes protection comes in the form of heartbreak.
Because it is in the heartbreak where you are able to level up: to grow, to heal, and to evolve. It’s in these seasons where I’m reminded that not everything in life is meant to play out to be this beautiful story. Not every person that you come to know and feel something deep with will be a forever. People come into your lives for various reasons: to teach us how to love or not love, to teach us how not to settle, to reveal more of yourself as they reveal more of themselves, to spark healing journeys you didn’t know you needed.
There’s so much I want to say. There’s so much I want to do. There’s so much processing and healing still yet to be done. But what I’m learning is…